Hi,
I'm a special ed teacher for middle school students with mental illness. I have ten students. I have the same kids every year, plus new ones who move into the district, move up to middle school, or are recognized as candidates for the program. So I have four years to get attached to some of them! Right now, their acronyms (as I lovingly refer to them) include GAD, OCD, PTSD, ODD, PDD, and Bipolar. Is Bipolar BPD?
This is my second year of teaching and my second year in the program. It can be quite draining to be surrounded by negativity every day, or to have to face the fact that some of these kids will becoming pretty frightening as adults. I figured I'd be happy here for about five years before I moved on to a new teaching position. I recognized from the beginning that I couldn't do it long-term. I'm not strong enough myself to be stay here for too long. Only problem is I'm afraid I'll never be able to make a clean break because the same students return every year until they go on to high school. I'm afraid I'll keep staying until Jane goes off to high school, until Joe goes off to high school, and so on.
I have a new student who is completely stressing me out. He does not belong in my program because he is too aggressive. There is a separate program for students who are aggressive. My program is for students who are more internalized. My nightmares have increased this year, I have a stomachache nearly every day, and I have cried on the last few Fridays because I'm so thankful that I get a two day break.
I'm a thinker. I think way too much. I find myself perseverating on the fact that some of these innocent children were harmed by people they thought they could trust. As a result, they will never function in the real world.
People always ask me how I handle working in my classroom. It must be so depressing, they say. They ask, Do you drink when you go home? No. I just take on a different perspective than you do. I wouldn't survive if I looked at these children the way you do. All I can do is be a positive role model, teach them to the best of my ability, and hope that they will remember me fondly when they look back upon their adolescent years.
Sounds good, right? It's not working anymore. As Nietzsche said, if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.
How do I know when it's time to move on? Will I look back on this time as a time when I almost quit? Or will I look back and say, damn, I can't believe I stayed there for so long.
Most people don't experience migraines, stomachaches, nightmares, and random bouts of crying due to their job. My job is not entirely to blame for my current emotional issues, but I believe it is about half the problem.
Maybe it's already time to begin thinking about where I'll go next year.
Anyone else out there?