Im fearful of giving into the images.

I cant actually feel the 'pain'.
I don't want to do it but my body is doing it anyways no matter how hard I fight it.
Like I don't want to but unseen hands guide the action.

It feels like the moment you slip while carving with a sharp blade. It doesn't 'hurt' but you know it was bad.

But worse is when I feel comfortable and even elated at the thought of doing worse to others.
Sometimes I can feel the shift coming on and it scares me.
So I hide and keep talking and refusing to take action.
Even if the impulse is toward those deserving of such action. It still scares me.

I guess this would be a fear of losing control to that twisted part within myself.