i think i just scared a few years off my h's life. i get laryngospasms from time to time and I know perfectly well how to deal with them, but i guess in 19 years of marriage my h has never seen it before. they're so brief in duration he probably hasn't. i dunno but he was about freaking out, i couldn't talk of course to tell him i'd be ok in a minute, because they typically don't last longer than that, literally. I just have to tell myself to relax and breathe through my nose. I've been told that anxiety/stress can be a contributor, and my mother called earlier. Perhaps talking to her caused a lil anxiety I dunno. I'd thought I wasn't going to have to talk to her today.

i'm sitting here doing exactly what t and i talked about i should not do. i am trying to feel myself like i think he feels. and that is just dumb. because it doesn't take away how he feels it just makes both of us miserable. but i don't know how else to be. i don't know how to not do that. i have been working so hard in therapy trying to make myself a better person. why am i still not enough? maybe i'm really never going to be good enough for anyone. maybe i just really do suck. maybe i should just pack up a bag and leave. my son doesn't need me anymore. h obviously doesn't even care enough to talk to me.