I'm not sure it's about crossing her boundaries. I've done what you've done, googled information about my T based on isolated facts, including googling her wife. I knew her first name, that she taught at the local university, and what her field was (it was one of those fields where it could have been several departments). Didn't take long to find her, and I thought I was correct for several years until T mentioned one day that she taught at a university an hour and a half away.

The only difference between what I did and what you are doing is that I didn't ask T for her wife's name. I think that asking for what you want from people, including T, is actually bold and a healthy thing to do.

But it does set you up for what you're experiencing now, which is being "rejected" by her not doing what you want. And you probably know that you could google until the end of time, but unless he's got a very uncommon name and you live in a very small town without other towns a reasonable distance away, the only way you can really know for sure is for T to confirm it.

Maybe it's about how you handle a situation where you feel rejected or someone close to you doesn't do what you want. I think part of the therapy zeitgeist is that we expect that our therapists will do what we want, that we will get from them what no one has has given us or what people have given us that we do not want: respect, love, understanding, etc. But then they say "no" directly or they say it indirectly by not following the approach we want or expect and boom, it really hurts.

For me, I learned that I was good at choosing people who didn't naturally give me what I wanted. And my T was very good at giving me what I wanted-- control over the sessions, making me feel normal at what felt like bizarre PTSD reactions to the world, etc. But then she didn't, and I asked her to do it differently, and she wouldn't and that felt horrible. Even when I understood that she couldn't compromise herself to give me what I wanted.

And it is still a work in progress, but it did become important to me to not force what I wanted from other people in the service of getting what I wanted. I became more about (I do not by any means have this figured out) accepting what people offered me and not freaking out when they said no. I learned that my go-to strategy was more manipulation than straight out asking, and also that sometimes I was asking, but it was more demanding. And that when I asked, I had to be willing to hear no. That people could love and support me and say no at the same time, and rejection wasn't the end of the world.

I don't of course know whether any of this applies to you, I am just explaining how it was for me.