The session went really well up until a certain point. I even held my small teddy. Room #7 was being painted this week so we had to be in another room. He pulled his chair closer to me. We talked about the significance of bringing a comforting transitional object from home-- how there is an element of safety missing in session so I bring that object. It is also in hopes that bringing that obect into the session will allow it to pick up elements from session, thus making it a two-way transitional object. From home to T back to home again. At least that was my theory. I felt pretty comfortable holding it.

I read him the really angry letter. It felt good to speak so freely. We were connecting beautifully.

Then he told me the reason as to why my sessions are going to be on Saturdays from now on. Because he is leaving the psychoanalytic center with the exception of Saturdays. This means that there will be no more possibility of coming 2x per week. This also means that in the event a Saturday session has to be cancelled, there is no possibility of a reschedule because he won't be there. This is effective after December.

I told him that I hated therapy and that I hated him. I told him I was hurt. He kept saying he was sorry for hurting me and that it made him feel so bad. I tossed the teddy back in my bag and said, "I don't want to be a little kid anymore."

I told him how sometimes I need more. How my schedule was changing after the first week of December and I was hoping to come back 2x per week. Now I can't.

I told him that this makes him seem even farther away and more unavailable than ever.

I also told him how this was the evidence of how nothing is ever constant. Yeah he's still there Saturdays, but that's it. Probably quite a few patients had to terminate. I am lucky that I was not one of them. But it's proof that it happens. Maybe in 6 months he'll be done with Saturdays, too.

I feel a loss. Like I'm left alone. Things get really bad sometimes and I need more. Now I can't have more. Nothing is stable. He will leave, I am sure of it.

He said that he wishes that it didn't hurt like like this for me; that he doesn't want me to hurt. But it needs to be experienced in session. He said, "You put the teddy back in the bag to show me how much I hurt you." (Earlier in the session I told him holding the teddy was maybe like holding him).

Earlier in the session, I made an analogy. I said my depression is like the weather. It comes and goes as it pleases and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Just gotta sit around and if it's there, wait for it to leave-- if it's gone, wait for it to come back. At the end of the session, I added T to the analogy. I said that it felt as unstable as the weather or my depression. Just sit and wait, wait for it go.

That's why the teddy in my new avatar is crying. Like me.

Don't ever tell me you're not going anywhere, T. Cause you probably will.