I survived another Christmas. But, for the second Christmas in a row I’m bummed and I’m surrounded by other miserable people with the exception of the kids and my dad who doesn’t know who he is right now. Last year wasn’t any better because my dad was in the hospital and my mom stayed with him and the kids were at their other uncle’s house. Last Christmas I was completely alone and it was easier because I didn’t have to deal with the little chatterboxes or having to be a parent to my parents.
This year everyone was at home and there wasn’t any real Christmas spirit. Wrapping gifts and doing the whole happy life thing and trying to create a magical Christmas for the little stinkers only made me wish that Christmas was still magical to me. But, it seems the older I get the less magical everything seems. The magic is gone and I feel like someone stepped on my rose colored glasses.
I don’t think I can do this much longer. Watching my dad slowly lose everything he was and struggling to do the simplest of daily tasks unless aided. Taking care of kids that aren’t mine all because my sorry d-bag of a brother and his now ex-wife couldn’t check their anger. Or my other brother and his crone of a wife who could do something because they have the means but don’t because they are self-centered social climbers who only care about them and theirs. I’m just tired of it all and I wish they would just bite the dust.
Painting on a smile everyday is just so toxic and I just want to hole up in my room and cry because I can’t change any of it. It just gets worse. Every day I have with my dad I consider a blessing but at the same time I worry that I’m just holding on to someone who is for the most part already gone. Or trying to provide a happy home for children who don’t appreciate what they get for Christmas or that they get to do stuff their father never let them do like after school activities and plays. I know that I should view them as a burden but I do and that makes me feel ashamed.
I hate Christmas because I have to put up with my family who hide their real feeling behind thinly veiled insults. Or that my so called friends don’t even try anymore. I’ve fallen behind and I feel like I’ve failed at being an adult. Christmas just sucks and I’m glad that it is over. Now I’ve just got to get through New Years and the joke of New Year’s Resolutions.