Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous
Rainbow, I've searched information about a T...whatever i could find.
I think I did it for many reasons...to find if i could relate to her and wondering if she could relate to me. There seemed to be such a wide social and economic chasm between the two of us.
I wanted to know who she was. I wanted to know if she seemed respected by her colleagues. I wanted to know her values. I wanted to know many more things..
I understand this may make many of you cringe:
Once, she mailed something to me- accidentally using her home address as the return address. I drove by her house not knowing what I was looking for. I told her soon after-I was trying to understand my attachment. We talked about it. I was honest.
I told her part of the reason I wanted to know about her home and life...it was like I had found my "real" mother ....wouldn't you want to know all about her? So, I could see where she lived but, like an illegitimate child, knowing I wasn't allowed to "knock on her door."
It's kind of a sad feeling.
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When I was a senior in high school, I had what I now realize was strong paternal transference for one of my teachers, who was also like a mentor to me (that story ended badly, but not going into it here). His address was listed in the phone book (I'm kinda old!), and I'd sometimes take a back way home when I was out and drive along a street where I could see his house (not literally driving past his house on his street, but I could see it). It gave me some comfort to see a light on and his car in the driveway. (I never told him about this.)
I told my T about about this recently in relation to the Googling, and she didn't seem to understand why I found it comforting to see that he was home. I said because it showed he still existed. I feel the same way now sometimes if I'm going to see T and MC's office door is closed, meaning he's there (they leave their doors open and lights out if they're not in). Or the same if I'm going to see MC and T's door is closed. I'm not sure that T understood that either. I did mention that I also find it comforting to sit in my car in the parking lot outside the office, but I assured her that I only did that for a few minutes like right after an appointment. Although I've been tempted to just sit in the parking lot for comfort a few times when I didn't have an appointment, it felt like that would have been crossing a line--at least in T's eyes--even though it's a public place.