Hello everyone. New here, 41 years old. I apologize in advance for the length (and typos. On mobile), but it's relevant.

I feel like there's no way out at this point. I have an appointment with my family doctor on Thursday, and I already know how it's going to go. She's going to look at me like I'm after drugs and will prescribe the lowest dose of some generic ssri that I haven't tried yet. I already feel that whatever she prescribes isn't going to work, and I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I'm afraid I don't have the 8 weeks for it to kick in to see if it will work.

The reason I've asked for an appointment is because she wouldn't give me a referral to a mental health doctor without seeing me, and we've been down this road many times. I've tried telling her the things that have happened in the last several years, and it honestly does sound like a made up story.

12 years ago, I was a victim of a stalker ex situation, and an incident turned into a life or death situation when he was ultimately shot and killed 2 feet from me. I saw a psychologist for a while, and had several sessions of emdr along with klonopin to help me sleep and exist without panicking over simple things, such as someone who resembled my ex out in public making eye contact with me, the ability to close my eyes so I could shower or wash my face, etc. After a year of the mess and emdr, I felt I was better so I stopped both, as well as stopped seeing the psychologist. I now know that was a mistake.

I've tried several different antidepressants over the years...Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and nothing has helped. I decided to try 5htp on my own in hopes for immediate results, but I'm up to 600mg a day, and after a year, it looks like that doesn't work either.

I've had 4 close family members commit suicide, all on my mom's side. She attempted a few years ago, but my dad caught her in time. This is what worries me. I've always wondered how any of them could do this, when they had family that loved them dearly. However, even though I know I would never want to die at my own hands, I've had (and this is hard to explain) thoughts of myself doing it against my own will. Like, I feel like I have to go do something else and get away so that I don't do it. I've wondered if this is what happened to my aunt and my cousins. This is terrifying to me, and I don't know how to tell someone who gives antibiotics for runny noses how serious this is. The past three months have been especially worse.

I don't know what to ask for from her. I feel like I'm at the mercy of whatever she decides to try next, but I'm afraid that time is of the essence here. They originally tried to schedule me for two weeks from now, so that can tell you how much they just don't get it.

Are there any powerful medications that will have a fast effect that I should ask for? I won't take any benzos...I did that when the PTSD was in full swing and although they helped the panic attacks, I feel like they made the depression worse.