Your feelings are not cruel or sick in the slightest. They are the normal response of human beings who have experienced trauma involving critical caregivers during a critical developmental phase. What you are feeling is all part of how normal human beings feel as a result of those particular circumstances.
You feel them. I feel them. Others here feel them. Probably hundreds of thousands of people throughout the world feel those same kinds of feelings too.

When I was a kid I used to lie in bed at night when my parents were out and wish like crazy that I wouldn't hear their car coming home because they had been in a fatal car accident. It never happened.
On the surface of it that is a pretty awful thing for any daughter to wish or feel.
But in the context of what was happening it was a fairly normal response of a vulnerable human being who doesn't really have any other way of ensuring self-survival.

You're all good, man.