At 4 months I was right there with you, loathing myself for being so needy, feeling that I was pathetic for going into a tail spin when she had to cancel. I was so ashamed at needing any type of accommodation from her. I still feel guilty when she offers something extra for me. It's getting less, it is still there.

I started pushing, testing, rebelling against my t to try to get her to be disgusted by me and thereby kick me out/ending the relationship.

I think you are pretty much right on target for the rollercoaster ride that is this process.

So I guess a question is, why do you want her to hate you?