Thanks so much for all the caring responses.

I have talked about this with my therapist for what seems like forever. But, Shazerac, I think your idea is a good one. I need to discuss / try to figure out why I want him back. I’m very focused on the idea of getting him back, but maybe I need to figure out why I so strongly don’t want to move on. Of course, just writing that down stresses me. I hate the idea of not being with this man. I’m not comfortable with many people and I was able to relax and be myself around him. I’m afraid I’ll never find that again.

I do think me being depressed was hard on both of us. At the same time, he’s been depressed before (in fact, I was with him when he went through a really hard time) so I thought he would understand and give me time to get better. Like many of you said, I shouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t stick with me during my own hard time. But what I usually think is, “Why didn’t I do a better job dealing with things? If only I had hadn’t let myself get so sad, I wouldn’t have prompted the breakup.” I also spend a lot of time thinking, “People get back together. Why can’t we?”

I’m not sure how I know when something is really over. I’d love advice on that.

In my mind, I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Just like I think I could do better, I think he could do better, too. He’s a recovering alcoholic (he’s been sober about two years) so I think he still sometimes struggles with how to handle challenging things as a sober person.

My ex-boyfriend and I knew each other for 13 years before we became a romantic couple. We very rarely fought. I don’t know how he’s ok with just cutting me out of his life. I want to contact him all the time. I keep thinking that talking things through with him will make me feel better. But the male friend I told about this says it will only set me back. And this friend says contacting my ex will just push him away, that it will make me look pathetic. Do you guys agree?

Bill3, I haven’t found much that seems to help with this intense grief. Others here have suggested keeping busy, which is what my therapist also suggests. But, no matter what I’m doing, something will trigger my brain to think about this man. I can’t get away from these thoughts. They are almost constant. And the thoughts make me so sad.

Fairydustgirl, I’m sorry to hear you’re also going through a hard time. Trying to live one step at a time, one minute at a time is excruciating.