thank you sunrise

i really do think we'd be good friends. i don't know that we'd be doing things all the time or anything, but i don't know that about anyone i meet really.. and i generally spend a lot of time alone, just with friends in sporadic ways. i don't really "bother" any friend much.

hmmm... perna, it sounds like your relationship works well and that sounds really good. My relationship works well too but it sounds so very different. We love some of the same movies, and use quotes from obscure things a lot. We make each other laugh. It's really comfortable. We get down to it for most of my hour, but the first few minutes... and then the last few and as i'm leaving we talk about other stuff, stuff we'd love to talk about more but can't because of time and rules. Honestly, i doubt we'd have a hard time finding stuff to talk about outside of me. Sometimes we have to stop and re-focus because we've gone off talking about art or movies or whatever.

we don't talk about other aspects of life because there is so much else to deal with... if i am doing an interesting project i write a page about it and just give it to him to read later... so we can avoid getting wrapped up in it. He appreciates that because he is very interested in the work i do but also knows we can't take up the therapy hour with it.

you guys have given me a little optimism... maybe he would be willing to be friends. i don't even think it's vital that we be friends as much as it is that we could be if we were wanting to be. i think it's kind of important to me that he feel like he would want to be friends in some capacity. That is where i lose my optimism... i sink and get very sad. He is very casual, open and probably looser about some boundaries than other T's... he is so open and honest that i doubt he gets much trouble with people bothering him either... but he is very professional as well. He is an excellent T and i get good feedback about him whenever he happens to come up with people who know him. The big issue i think would be him deciding to stay "professional" due to rules rather than how he felt. i do realise that maybe he wouldn't want to be friends, i'm not that vain, but i doubt it. i believe him when he says he truly likes me and i know that when he bursts out laughing it's not faked.

in my sadness i wonder if maybe i am just an "interesting case" to him. i am reasonably sure he likes working with me because i do take it seriously, i do work hard, i'm not just saying i want change when i really don't. i know he likes the intellectual exchange and i know he likes that he finds me challenging. He has to work harder and the typical "therapy phrases" meet just a snicker from me. i'm paranoid that this sounds narcissistic... but i don't mean it that way. i don't think i am "special" to him, but i do think i'm more unusual than most of the other clients he has.



ok.. i'm back to being deeply sad. so full of despair.