Oh Rainbow I do understand. I have done some detective work with my own t many times. I always find what I am looking for, I make judgements about what I think I know from what I learn but I am far from the truth. It hurts but I still do it, I have never told my t I do it because it would absolutely lead to my termination. I do it to distract me from my own problems, it usually works for a little while but then I feel worse. I beat myself up and feel guilty. I tell myself I am an awful person with no impulse control but it also helps to know that my ts family are not perfect, they are a little insane. My t is very open about her children and family and this doesn't help. I think it encourages my curiosity. Sometimes I wish my t were more more blank slate but then it wouldn't be a real relationship.