gerber said something in another thread that was right along the lines of what I have been mulling over lately:
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gerber said:
in my sadness i wonder if maybe i am just an "interesting case" to him

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Recently, I learned some things about what my T thinks about me from a professional viewpoint. Personally, I know he relates to me in session human to human, cares deeply about me, gives me his unconditional positive regard, and has spoken about the closeness and intimacy of our relationship. I feel very secure in that.

But recently I was accidentally forwarded some emails between several professionals working on my legal case, including my T. The topic was me--these people talking all about me in private emails to each other. Wow, it is eye opening to read what they think about me and how they interpret some of the things I've said. The message from my lawyer, especially, had some things in it that were really hurtful. The message from my T I was largely OK with. It did make me feel objectified here and there, and I see now how I am an interesting and challenging case for him. He also mentioned in his message about it being so helpful to have an inside view of this client (me), I guess because of our longstanding therapy sessions and my propensity to be very forthcoming with him, whereas with many clients in the legal process, they wouldn't have this access.

I am struggling a bit with how to balance my knowledge of the depth and intimacy of our therapeutic relationship with his admitted professional relish at the challenges of working with "this client." Because of how he kept referring to me as "this client" in the email (even though they all know my effing name), I started saying stuff in session last time like, "this client believes...." and similar. It was like I was objectifying myself for him in his presence. Let me make it easy for you....

The ambivalence is hard--accepting I am a person he cares for deeply but yet also a client who presents an interesting challenge and about whom he enjoys talking shop with his professional collaborators. Rationally, I know I am both of these things and one does not negate the other. Just because professionally he is challenged by my case does not mean that we do not have an intimate therapeutic relationship. But I still feel on some level that his professional stance on me somehow negates or tarnishes our relationship.

I am so confused.