It's a battle. It grips you tightly and spits you back out. I had a few good days, and got through Christmas. But today is a bad day. Carrie Fisher dying hit me hard. It made me realize how old I really am. It made me realize I may not live a long life. It made me realize that I am a screw up because I drank beer and wine yesterday and binged on cigarettes.

Why do we do this?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

I feel like a defect, a failure. I can't shake this feeling.

Is this what it's like to have bipolar? I mean I was diagnosed so long ago and am on meds but when will it end?