from what i've seen/heard from others, SI is highly competitive, in the same way anorexia is highly competitive. you compare yourself to others to see how you measure up, how hardcore you are, how sick you are, how far gone or how far you can go. actually a lot of mental illness seems to have this component. i'm forever checking myself out against other bipolars and feeling inadequate like a whiny poseur if my moods are not flipping out as bad as theirs. i feel inadequate about my psychosis sometimes if i think i "should" be hallucinating more regularly or more heavily. i think ppl that are messed up in the ways we are messed up just tend to be messed up like that too sometimes. it's a dirty little secret, isn't it? but maybe it all comes from that same place inside -- the place where we believe we don't deserve to be taken seriously or helped. hmmm.

(someone shoot me now, i hate when my thoughts go in that direction.)