I think I just need to get this out. I was hurt very badly (emotionally) by someone who was very cruel to me a couple months ago. It is a person I no longer speak to and they have made it clear they want nothing to do with me. I have kind of...like I have found ways to feel better. Like I think meditation helps somewhat. I had a time slot where I would allow myself to think about it for 30 min. Though when the time slot came, I wouldn't want to. I talked to people who were kind and reassuring. I even posted about it here.

The thing is it keeps coming up. Like everyday. like it's a part of my internal psyche now or something. When it comes up, I feel very sad, and hurt, and even angry. It was so upsetting. I just don't want to think about it anymore.

I've been kind of slacking on the whole distracting myself thing. I had Christmas this weekend with my family, and it was great. I didn't find myself thinking much about it. Or even before Christmas. Because I had started taking a new med. And I was busy with stuff. Its just been after Christmas. That I've been thinking about it so casually, but it's just so painful.

I would like to get back into the meditation, distraction, and get myself busy again. So I will try that.

I think I just really needed to verbalize or vocalize it someplace. So here I am. if anyone has any suggestions or support, I would appreciate it.

One more thing. I notice that rumination is a pattern for me. It has been since the 6th grade, maybe earlier. Something painful happened then too. I went through a hard time and stopped speaking for like 2 years. Its like I held onto the event (in 6th grade). But it just made me even more sad and unhappy. I have done that all my life since then when really traumatic and upsetting things happen. I realize now that this is unhealthy / unhelpful. But it is very ingrained now. I wonder if I can stop doing this someday. It might take some work. And time. But yeah.