As I sit here and think about what you have said, I have wondered it myself, what is it about me that allows this or thinks it's ok to be treated badly. And honestly I don't think it's ok but I get caught up and I don't stand up for myself. I even talked to my T once but the conversation really didn't go very far. Both of my drs have said separately that I don't do well in relationships especially with sex. They didn't exactly elaborate though.

Part of me wonders if this wasn't partly hypomania, because I get hypersexual and for me it is a VERY strong influence. My last two breakdowns involved a breakup where in hindsight I saw that I'd been manic or hypomanic for months and then crashed at the breakup. One of those involved a hospital stay.

Part of me wonders if I feel I need to be punished. For what I'm not sure...I do have childhood trauma from abuse by a teacher for transgressions not under my control.

Maybe I was supposed to learn a lesson?

Definitely more fuel for some therapy sessions.

I'm too accepting, too malleable, too gullible, too vulnerable, perhaps too needy. having bipolar illness doesn't help, it can sometimes take away my ability to make good choices. that's why I wonder if there might have been some element of elevation going on. it doesn't seem to take much. I don't have to be full blown manic and nonfunctional for my thoughts to be affected.

Thank you Divine, as always you have great insight and words to ponder.