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It sounds like BP. It could also be BPD. It could be OCPD (or OCD). Or a bit of all/any three (or all four).
Do you ever feel self-destructive? Do you ever feel just extremely confused (so not motivated with lots of inspiration or very fearful but highly creative, associative).
Are you conscientious? Do other people think you are?
Do you ever deliberately hurt yourself or others? Why do you drink?
Do you see your perfectionism as a problem? Do others think you are reliable, someone who takes responsibility and can be trusted with it?
Is there a reason why you become motivated or depressed?
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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