Despite my AMAZING support team, my husband will NEVER understand. I think he has given up trying to understand. Today he actually said "what is this? Christmas is over, now it's time to be depressed?" Yes actually, that's just what I said to myself. Now that Christmas is over, I think I'll just spend 3 days crying in my room being depressed. I told him how I felt and we discussed it. He told me that he is in pain (physically) and that it is causing him to be a jerk. I don't believe it though...at least that isn't all it is. He said my illness just doesn't make sense to him and he just wants it to go away. It is time to move on, he said. It is time for a new chapter. You need to learn to manage your illness better. So...let's just say for a second I was in physical pain like you always are, I said, would you say that then? Do you think for a second I WANT to have this struggle?

I saw my therapist today. She gave me a checklist of things to do in the next week to try to improve my situation. One of those things was to find a support group that specializes in bipolar or at least depression (my current support group is wonderful but it is a group for general suffering "overcoming adversity".). To this he replied, I guess you can't find a job now. In fact, that was the first thing out of his mouth. Yes, dear husband, not getting a job is EXACTLY what my therapist had in mind. She wanted to tie up another evening for me so I can't get a job. I told him that I still intended to find a job but that I didn't appreciate that he was more concerned with me getting a job than me getting better. To this he responded "I'm not going to give in to your little pity party. I am going to tell you how it is. And, for one thing, you will be better off with a job because you won't have such an idle mind." Thank you dear husband for your observation, but I think my "idle mind" has been just fine for at least HALF of the last year. I can't control when my illness catches up to me. And, it ALWAYS WILL. Please someone console me. I can't take this anymore. I so badly want to give up but I keep telling my rational brain that I just could never do that to my children. I am so upset. Upset with myself for struggling again...upset with my husband for not understanding. My therapist told me to be kind to myself in spite of him and not to give into fear but it is so hard. In the back of my mind I think he will leave me again if I become too sick...because he just doesn't understand. And, he seems to care more about his bills than he does about my well being.

On a positive note, I went ahead and called my pdoc. She dared increase my Pristiq to 150 MG and took my Seroquel back up to 600 MG where it was prior to last week. She is so awesome and SO willing to work with me.