Hi Dechan: I read this post yesterday but didn't reply. However, I noticed no one had replied yet. So I thought I would. I hope you'll forgive me if I just ramble on here a bit. Honestly, I don't know how one becomes mentally & physically stronger in a very short time. In fact, I question if it is possible. I guess that's what psych med's are supposed to accomplish for a person. (Personally I'm not a fan though, as you know.)

There is a very wise & wonderful book I recommend occasionally, here on PC: Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker J. Palmer (Jossey-Bass, 2000.) Perhaps you're familiar with it? (Reading this book is how I became a "wise old troll".) In this book, Palmer writes: "Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell you life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent." (Pg. 3)

Basically what I take from this is that each of us has things we can do & things we can't. And trying to live our lives doing things we just weren't cut out to do is simply a prescription for ongoing unhappiness. There are many things I would have liked to do in my life that just never happened. (There are also a lot of things that happened that should not have. And that was at the time, & still is, apparent.)

You mentioned, in your post, that you're alone without family or friends nearby & that, when you called them, they just basically told you to "get a life", so to speak. You also mentioned you have some extreme financial problems. Obviously I don't know the extent of what you are facing. And unfortunately I also don't have any real solutions to offer. You mentioned trying to arrange to see a counselor. And that certainly sounds like a good idea if you can arrange it.

From what you've written about this new job, it sounds as though there are a lot of positive aspects to it... except for the stress it is causing you. It would be great if you could hang in there until you can find something more suitable in terms of stress level & wage. But if you find you simply can't handle the stress, then you can't.

What occurs to me is that somehow, perhaps with the help of a counselor of some sort, you might find it possible to come up with a plan for moving yourself from where you are to somewhere where you can survive. It may be one that is not where you'd wish to be if you had your druthers but it is one that is workable. That's kind-of where I am at this point. The life I lead is not at all what I would like it to be. But being the person I have become, & the resources I have at my disposal, it works for me. I don't know if any of that makes any sense... or is of any consequence. But these are my musings, based on what you wrote here. I wish you well...