Hi everyone,

I'm new here and came for some advice, support, words...anything really. I'm a 27 year old female, diagnosis of bipolar (not sure I agree with that).

I'm 6 months into a happy marriage to my partner of 7 years.

My dilemma is this - after all these years I'm becoming more sure I don't want to have children. I've always known I didn't possess that "maternal urge" (unless towards cute animals counts. People have ALWAYS told me that the urge would come, one day it would just happen and I'd know. I've held on to that for so many years but now I'm 27, married, a home owner, financially stable and still have no urge. My friends have children, my close friend just had a baby - doesn't make me want one. Holding their tiny little babies is lovely, they're so cute, but it doesn't make me brood for one. I feel like I'm dysfunctional or something...shouldn't I feel an urge by now?

My husband wants kids, I've always known that. I always thought I would have children, but I never really thought that I wanted children, I think I just thought children were in my future...maybe because that's the general societal theme - meet someone, get married, have kids.

Truth is my husband wants to have children...next year. I've put it off already, saying I wanted to go to Disney world first. So we are going there in May. There was sort of a loose plan that we would start trying then, but the thought scares me so much.

When I look at myself I just don't see myself a mother. When I think about my future I just don't see a child in it. I can't picture myself and my husband as parents. I'm very independent and feel like all that would be taken away, I'd never be alone again (I like my me time) and I'd lose the freedom to just go and do whatever I wanted, or to travel and see the world. I know those reasons sound oh so selfish. I sometimes worry as well that I'll not make a good mother, or that I'll struggle because of my MH diagnosis. I'm always so tired, even on ten hours sleep so I worry I wouldn't cope with a crying baby keeping me up all night.

I haven't spoken with my husband about it because I'm scared. I feel like I've deceived him, even though It was never intentional - I just didn't know myself. Maybe I just need more time? Truth is I don't want to say I definitely don't want children, but I don't want to say I do either. I'm as scared of regretting never having children than I am of having children and regretting that decision too.

I know he wasn't entirely sure I'd want children when he married me, because when I agreed to maybe start "trying" in 2017 he said "I was worried you'd never want to". So he obviously knew when he married me that I may not...I suppose that's good. I'm so scared he will leave me if I don't want children and that he will find someone who does. He's the love of my life and I couldn't live without him.

Any advice? Anyone been in a similar dilemma?