I have been living with a situation that I can not seem to get over. I am a married man with three children. My wife and I both have good jobs and we live in a nice house with everything most people could want. We seem to get along fairly well but for some reason I have never been happy with my situation. Most of my life I have had trouble connecting with other people. I have few friends and seem to prefer keeping to myself. I feel guilty that I do not seem to be able give my family the attention they deserve. For several years I have felt so trapped and alone and dissatisfied. I keep trying to convince myself that I have so much, I should appreciate it and it should make me happy.
Six months ago a women started at my work place. She introduced her self to me and made some nice comments about me. I noticed that she was very much like me in her actions and she seemed lonely like she needed someone. I have no real friendships at work but suddenly this women and I were spending some time together talking. I really feel uncomfortable talking to most people and avoid extended interaction when I can. It was different with this women. I really wanted to be near her and talk to her. I felt such a deep connection with her. For several months we talked a lot and even went out for a drink a couple of times. She told me she did not want to have an affair with me and she did not want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage. She said if I was unhappy in my marriage, that was my problem and I should do something without bringing her into it. I have been so torn by this and it is consuming me. I think about her constantly. I am obsessed with the belief that this is the one person with whom I could connect with. I shared my feelings with her but as long as I am still married she does not want to here it. My wife found a note that I had written her and never sent. She was very hurt to find out that I really cared for another women. Without my knowledge she actually called her on the phone and told her to stay away from me. The women never came back to work after that day and I was afraid to call or talk to her. I know she never wanted to be responsible for breaking up a marriage and my wife calling her must have hurt her deeply. Seven weeks later I got a letter from her. She told me she quit because I had hurt her very badly. She was very angry with me. She made no attempt in the letter to reach out to me and I was very hurt. I wrote her a very long letter of apology and told her I loved her. I hoped that it would somehow bring her back into my life. She took my letter and put into another envelope and sent it to my wife. I intercepted it and threw it out. I feel so alone now and I have no way to proceed. I cant stop thinking about her. I am convinced that she is the only hope I have of ever being happy. My head keeps telling me to forget, to be happy with what I have but my hearts longs for the person I feel so close to. I know I would have to destroy a family to be with this women. I feel like I am at war with myself and I do not know what to do.