Thanks for posting such honest words.
I actually related a lot to what you have described, I don't feel love either towards others, let alone my family of origin. It makes me so angry and bitter sometimes knowing that others have this capability while I don't. I wasn't been able to form a successful intimate relationship with the opposite sex, despite the fact I wish I can fall genuinely in love with someone. It's a paradox for me actually, I wish for something I'm incapable of.
And you're right, answering such question is very perplexing and sometimes embarrassing. Sometimes when I hear people fall in love instantly, I get amazed How they trust and surrender to their feelings.
I think the first relationship that we have to be successful at is the relationship with ourselves, How can we offer genuine true affectionate feelings towards others, while we are incapable of forming intimate, compassionate relationship with ourselves!! it's like we betray ourselves if we fake we are in love with someone, and at the same time we hate ourselves. I think that the extent that we have trustworthy, compassionate relationship with our selves, will dictate our relationship with others.
Another aspect I found genuinely touching, is that when people commiserate us and share our pain and be more understanding, intimate feelings will automatically arise, and we truly admire and "love" that person, at least that what I'm experiencing. I have a couple of friends, but I always felt my relationship with those who I spent years, never materialized into a real friendship. Surprisingly, Authors from self help books, and despite I have never met anyone of them, I found myself forming real genuine admiration and appreciation for them, I feel sometime they are closer than my family and everyone else.
We have unmet needs, and those who offer us support and understanding, we can't help it but fall in love with them.
Happy new year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shezbut
My current bf and I got into a conversation several days ago, which has had me thinking ever since. As we talked, I admitted to him that I don't **feel** love towards anyone. I love my daughters, but, that's honestly about it. I don't think that I ever loved my ex-hub, ex-bf's, etc.
He then asked if I ever thought that I am able to fall in love with someone. (blank stare) Uhhhh _____ I don't know. How can I know the answer to a question like that if I haven't ever felt "love" before?
I don't feel love towards my any of my family members, friends (well, I don't have any IRL). I think that this topic came up once before, shortly after my ex-bf and I first got together....but it's been like, 7 years or so since last time spent thinking. My family tries to get together every now and then and act like we're all happy and normal, and it disgusts me. Really! They trigger me.  I can barely stand being with them at all, much less put on some stupid show pretending to feel (whatever). That is NOT me! That triggering is exactly why I've had to pull myself away from seeing and talking with them to begin with, several years ago, because they drive me crazy. I probably sound like a complete POS for talking the way that I am towards my family, but, I have my reasons. I am an adult now, and I should not have to keep playing their show when I never liked it to begin with. Right?
But, no one else seems to understand. (Other than my T ~ but he's not hanging around either) My bf, and other people don't understand where I'm coming from at all. They seem to think that I'm blowing things out of proportion "We all have nutty families" and I feel as though they are rolling their eyes at me.
Am I crazy? Am I mean and sick for not showing the love? WTH is wrong with me? I don't get it!!  |