I cornered my very reluctant T into sharing that yes, she thinks that we may have other alters that we don't know about yet. I had considered it - there have been signs but I have steadfastly ignored them for decades. Lately, there have been more - or else I am not ignoring them quite so well.
My T would prefer that I find them organically if there are more - but her opinion matters to me. It turned out to be the impetus I needed to decide to put out an invitation to any and all who might still be hiding. Then I found out that I couldn't do it.
I wanted to put out an invitation assuring anyone there of love, acceptance and safety. I immediately became aware of a reluctance that spoke of anything but love and acceptance. I found myself hoping that, if there were others, that they wouldn't be male. I don't feel anything that resembles male energy, but on principle, I couldn't send out the invitation feeling that way and so I talked to my T about that yesterday - looking for ways to fix that.
Possible trigger:
I've thought about it all week prior to our session and came up with a few ideas. First, I was bullied unmercifully by boys when I was very young. I distanced myself from them. Second, all the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child happened to me because I was male. Third, I have contempt for weakness within me and that is tied inextricably to my idea of maleness.
Nothing resonated as THE answer but I took it to session with me and we discussed it. I asked for techniques to get to the bottom of it and she suggested free writing - I agreed and we headed home. It's a long ride home btw, about seventy-five miles. Here was the e-mail I sent her when I got home:
I figured it out last night on the way home. It took sixty miles of driving. Sonseearae was helpful – she referenced the saying, 'twenty miles in, twenty miles out' and then pointed out that it must have been pretty deep cause it took me three times longer than twenty miles....and then further pointed out, much to her delight, that she did another equation. Pfft!
Such a pleasant feeling when you are searching for an answer and you experience that feeling of resonance and you know that part of the search is over, you know? Anyway, so here it is:
I don't know how to express love, affection or even warmth to a young boy in such a way as to protect both our feelings. Him from feeling threatened and me from feeling triggered. I know you know – but to recap in the interest of a complete thought: sexual abuse rarely begins with sex. It begins with touch, escalates to inappropriate touch, the erosion of boundaries, etc. I can scoop up a little girl in a hug..but it's different with a little boy.
I can work with this and move forward. I'm going to sit with these feelings for a little bit before I send out invitations but yeah, I'm shopping for stationary now. Hmm, no shopping...Sonseearae just asked to try out her Christmas crayons and make the invitations herself. Great idea! We haz plan.
Thanks for being a safe place to share this - we need safe places and treasure them.