i don't know what i am going to do about Tuesday. i feel differently towards my T now. Removed. Thing is, i don't feel regretful about it. i feel relieved almost. It does hurt because he has gotten closer to me than most, but as i weigh out the benefits and losses, well the losses are too much.

That being said, is there any point to continuing?

My life is a train wreck right now and i need support, so i would continue until things are less traumatic... but i am wondering if i should really be doing any of the deeper stuff if i feel this way. i am pretty certain i have kind of locked some doors.

i just can't reconcile the potential, necessary intimacy with a stranger who will remain a stranger. i think it would feel like a violation. i know some people are triggered by annual pelvic exams... i have been able to do ok, but it's a brief thing. It still feels somewhat like a violation, not as in a sexual assault, but in terms of allowing a stranger such permission to such a personal body part. i kind of see this deeper therapy that way now... only it's a long term thing.

Two nights ago i almost overdosed. i sat with the pills a long time. i researched the LD50 of all my medications. It's not the first time... and sometimes i have gotten closer.. once i really did take far too much and was just lucky i guess.

The trigger this time was this issue about T... despair. i want him to get closer.. no one ever has really. i told him the other day that when he tells me to call if i need him and then says he means it.. well, no one talks like that to me. i am everyone's therapist, but no one stops and thinks "hey, maybe gerber has feelings."

But it's a tease. "i mean it" isn't really what it sounds like. He means "i mean it for now," or "i mean it as long as you're my client." It's like a limited time offer.

The deeper stuff for me would be hard... not because i have more trauma than others, but because i have done sooooo much work on my own and the next step is a huge one. It would really unravel reality for me... and i could risk that, i would be willing to make that jump.. but only with someone who really does mean it when they say "i mean it."

termination will be hard... i'm more attached than i'm willing to openly admit.. but i don't see a way around this.