that is a dark place... the place where you are standing now. No doubt about it. i won't sugar coat anything and say it's all ok.. it isn't. You have been poisoned... but the thing you can't see yet is that you can pull yourself out of that place, and remove the poison. You didn't poison yourself, but we learn that somehow we did. The light you need to find your way out of that dark place is the notion, even just a tiny inkling, that someone else put you where you are... that maybe you deserve to be held instead of shunned.

i hope you find that. i hope your T can help you do it... from what you say about her i think she can hold a lantern up for you until you find that light yourself.