Rainbow, one thing I have always found very curious about your posts is how you always use passive terms in relation to yourself. I have observed over the years that you use language that indicates you are a passive agent that has things done to you, in any interaction. I guess I have always noticed it because I am the opposite - I tend to be over-responsible for my own feelings and behaviors (meaning that I take responsibility even when it really should belong to someone else).

Take the title of this thread for instance - "My curiosity and urges are making me waste my time." And again in your response above - "No, I want to be helped and solve my problems."
I have noticed it many, many times before - for instance when you get triggered in therapy you tend not to say "I was triggered" but "my T triggered me."

The reason I am writing this is because of your statement above "I want to be helped and solve my problems." It seems so... passive. Like you are waiting around for others to do the helping... for others to come up with the solutions that will make you 'better'.

.........That's a very interesting insight. I do tend to be passive but I'm changing because I have had to a lot by myself this past year. In my email to T last week I said " I know you can't get me out of it. I have to do it myself.".......

Rainbow, the cold hard truth of it is - at the end of the day, the only person who can help you, is you. Others can only walk beside you while you work.

I can empathize. I've been "friend crawling" on my T's facebook, i.e., clicking throught thier friend's list to look at other people's profiles and see what I can learn. I'm insanely curious as to who her most recent husband was.

Turns out a lot of her people just don't know how to hide their profiles (and i have a lot of various 'friend in common' links to some of them), so I've learned a bit. I'm now that person and I'm a bit ashamed. All these mental gymnastics we go through just to feel CLOSER to the therapist. We're not really helping ourselves are we. And we're not making any actual progress for ourselves unless we acknowledge what this is really about.

I spent sometime over the holidays letting myelf feel this - emptiness - and I had moments where i just pictured my T with her arms around me, soothing me, and I just said it out loud to myself last night. "I want love." So There it is. It's human.

It's better to name it so you can process it. This is just need. And doing all that stalking doesn't really fill it. It's like eating candy when you need a full meal. Google and such, is creating the illusion of closeness. It's understandable. But you might be killing your appetite for when the real thing comes along.