It is understandable that alcohol helps because it affects GABA receptors and calms the mind, and you sound like someone who ruminates a lot.

You also sound a bit conflicted. Like you would like to be a non-drinker but cannot imagine it.

I stopped drinking for 10 years because it was a problematic stress reduction device. I then drank socially but this year I am going to abstain again because I am training for a half-marathon.

Alcohol has you. It sounds like that to me. If you want to beat it down you have to declare war. I went to AA for 18 months even though I never thought I was an alcoholic. It is a great way to get out of social isolation. You don't have to say a word. You can just sit there. I don't think I spoke for a whole year in any AA meeting.

Once I broke the addiction alcohol never had me again.

I did have to get off benzodiazepines and coming on Psych Central helped me.

Great for you that you won't be homeless. As I have stated in other threads I feel like that is where I am headed if I don't get my **** together. It is scary as hell.

My concern about you is that you are going to rot alive in a living grave. Such a waste. You can do stuff. Set goals. Volunteer. Write. Have pets. Fix up your place.

I just posted about 30 threads about my struggle to come out of depression, to climb out of a deep dark hole, to work a new job. This week I have called crisis hotline people and on-call counselors with my health care provider. Today before getting to work I called two crisis hotlines just to talk to people about how I am feeling.

If you want to get out of the spot you are in you can do it...but you have to be willing to fight for your life. And that is hard because you have allowed yourself to become weak. I am just telling it like it is. Stay in touch with people here, and explore crisis hotlines. I talk to total strangers but they understand what I am going through and they are great people. There are great people out there. Maybe you will find some in 2017. Good Luck.