Happy New Year, Out There. And to everyone out there.

2017 is the year of only putting good, wholesome things into my body. I'm 90-95% vegan now. Now if I could only put good things into my mind....

I enter the new year in the aftermath of a huge rupture with my therapist and with a lot of ambivalence about continuing with him.

The anger turned inward--aka depression--has turned outward with the help of my therapist, but surprisingly, feels the same as depression. I'm hoping this an accomplishment and a catalyst for moving forward.

The rupture still doesn't feel quite resolved, but he gets defensive so I am reluctant to discuss more. Things he said during the rupture were so hurtful, it makes me wonder if it's best for me to leave. I've searched out other therapists and none seemed to offer anything that would incentivize me to jump off the fence.

Maybe this new year will bring new ideas, new ways of self-improvement. I still have hope. One thing that changed since the prior year is that I feel I have more agency than the year before. This is another positive thing that came out of my therapy; but that also contributes to the ambivalence.

Lastly, I'm questioning my intellect, which has been one of the only consistently reliable things over the course of my life as I've been able to separate thought from my emotions when needed. Which makes me wonder if I grasping for straws here. Or maybe this is because I am more integrated now?

Which ultimately leaves me wondering if 2017 is going to be the year of confusion.