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Originally Posted by Rive.
Same day/time would not be the issue. What I would struggle with is having nice T one week & evil T the next. That would not feel conducive to effective therapy & frankly, that would drive me (and my emotions) 'crazy'. Actually, it would feel abusive to have such a volatile T.
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Thank you for pointing this out because at times I have felt like it was a abusive but I could never put a name to it or explain what was going on. I always blamed myself. I often was so very confused by my therapy and left in a frenzied state afterwards, left holding all of these emotions on my own. there was never really any processing of my feelings or grounding me before I left. Often my t would shout at me when I was dissociating. I have since learned that this is not safe or very helpful to the client.
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Originally Posted by Out There
I think it's important yes. I wasn't consistent early on in my therapy due to a combination of work schedule and being hard to pin down to come in ( which my T pointed out recently and I had to acknowledge I WAS ! ). I know it's a big trigger for some people , including my EMDR T ,but it's not one of mine if it's not excessive. With regular T now we are fairly consistent. I can't see any benefit in repeating patterns from our past - where is the healing ? Is it being taken for granted and being a people pleaser and wanting to keep the peace ? Those were things I had to change or try too and it's not easy.  |
I think were the healing comes in is that you learn a new way of relating by repeating the past so many times that it becomes so painful you just cant do it to yourself anymore. I used to be a people pleaser and at times I still am, once my t accused me off being sickeningly sweet. She encourages me to be more real with her. Its hard because when I do show my anger towards her or others, she accuses me of whining, so its a no win situation.
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Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll
I don't care so much about specific times/days.
But a consistent T is totally vital imo. there's no way I could come to a place of healthy attachment if my T wasn't reliable enough in her reactions towards me. There still is plenty emotional chaos - coming from my side 
A consistent T can feel scary to me a lot of the times. Inconsistency and emotional chaos feel much more familiar to me. But deep down I know that emotional consistency and reliability is the road towards wellbeing for me. |
there is plenty of emotional chaos coming from me too. Sometimes I am very chatty and other times I sit there and say nothing.
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Originally Posted by precaryous
Exactly how I feel.
I see my T weekly on a consistent basis but the day and time are not so important to me. However, i couldn't deal with a T with an inconsistent personality or therapy style....it would cause a lot of anxiety, confusion and distrust.
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It causes all of the above and thank you for naming these feelings that are familiar but didn't have names yet.
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Originally Posted by InnerPeace111
I have a consistent day and time each week for therapy. I love it. But, then again, I'm a person who craves consistency, schedules, organization, routines, rituals, etc. (to the extent possible, of course). It's where I find safety, peace, and refuge. I try to balance this by keeping in mind that that life, at its best, is unpredictable so if my therapy can remain the same each week, then that's a bonus for me.
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Life is unpredictable but its easier when we are surrounded by predictable people, do you agree?
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Originally Posted by junkDNA
my T is thinking about changing his work days this new year. he works tues-sat now, but he told me he wants to change to sun-thurs. this will mean my appointments will fall on sundays and wednesdays. i am so used to tuesdays and saturdays. i told him ok, i mean i cant make him not do it. i hope its not a big deal to me.
as far as his demeanor towards me, its usually pretty consistent. the inconsistency i experience is mostly created in my own mind... my skewed perceptions of him, etc... i try to check them out with him and hes good about giving me the reality checks. the problem lies in whether i believe him or not
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this sounds like a very hard and frustrating place to be in Junk. Having your ts assurance and his ability to reality check and not take it personally or react. Does his reliability and consistency make your therapy feel safer?
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Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
I never thought about consistency and how it could affect me until I experienced it with my last therapist. Not even the same day/same time standing appointments... for a good while they were all over the place and we always booked them at the end of every session, but then he gave me a specific time slot and I figured I liked it better that way. But much more than the meeting times, I really appreciated the consistency and predictability in his communication style, reactions and boundaries. My first T had awful inconsistencies in his behavior... I always had a same time/same day appt with that T but his style was all over the map and it drove me nuts. I developed the intense negative transference reaction to that T because his chaotic, insecure style and twisted, superficial attempts to "nurture" me reminded me of my mother (and other similar people) a lot. My reaction was also similar: I lost all respect for him and left. No desire to "work it out" even though the T kept insisting what I was doing was wrong and I would repeat it later if I did not work through it with him. Well, that prediction has not come true so far and I am very glad I left it at that and found a wonderful therapist who was a good fit. So I think I learned a lot from that negative vibe but I don't think it would have done me any good to dive into it further, what would be the application? I'd already thought through my mother and some resentments I had about her years prior. Does not mean I will not react negatively to someone causing me similar frustration, while expecting benefit from me, in the future. I will never allow anyone to do that long... that I am more than happy to repeat 
So what I can conclude from my experience is that, for me, the real benefit was from the behavioral/interpersonal consistency and reliability and not so much from the meeting times (although I liked the latter as well). I actually picked up quite a few things from my last T's style to use in my own communications with people, especially the work-related ones. I am no longer seeing the T but his relaxed (meaning not rigid, very engaged) professionalism remains a great model for me, something that I feel I can apply as his style was something I easily identified with and respected. |
There is a huge difference in behavioural/interpersonal consistency and reliability. I hadnt even thought about this. Even if we took the time/day issue and fixed that, there would still be all of the inconsistencies with my ts behaviour and personality. I think we are working through some reenactments with each other. We both know its not working and yet we stay. I really do agree with your post in that we learn lessons from every t, whether the experience with them is positive or negative. I have learned lots from my t, it hasnt all been bad. She has thought me a lot about professionalism and confidentiality. She is not the best at certain subjects I bring to her and she is definitely closed off when it comes to my attachment to her and this is so fundamental to who I am. Maybe our differences are too big.