This might be a long thread because I am here to get a few things off of my chest and a forum seems like a good place where I can do that without bringing my loved ones down.

I will literally blurt out about a few personal things and complain and whine, stuff like that.

First I'd like to mention that I have posted something about getting on a medication a few weeks ago from now, I am currently on a daily 50mg dose of Sertraline so you could say that this is also a log of how things are going so far.

I've done 2 posts so far (not including this one) but I feel like there are quite a lot of important things about myself that I have not mentioned yet, hopefully this thread will fix that.

Here goes...

Ok, ever since I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 16 (I am 22 now) I've became very health obsessed and unfortunately that obsession became full-blown hypochondria. The hypochondria got so bad that I became a miserable wreck, lost my girlfriend and maybe even the very little positive outlook I had left. (Losing a girlfriend is not exactly a big deal but thought I might as well mention it because at the time it was horrible.)

My hypochondria has become the norm for me and it got to the point where I daily just ignore it and hope that I won't die the next day, but the fear is always still there and when I hear about diseases or whatever it ruins my day.
I am not sure whether if the hypochondria was the cause of depression or a symptom of it.

I pretty much always think that I have cancer, always, I got a big cat scratch scar on my arm that I had for a year and I think that I will eventually die of rabies from that. I sometimes get random shooting pains up my butt and I think I have advanced colon cancer, I sometimes get aches in my lower back and I've recently been getting an itch on my butt I think the cancer has spread. I get reoccurring white spots on my tongue, its oral cancer. Sometimes I get shooting pains in my liver, its liver cancer. Sometimes my chest hurts, lung cancer. Diabetes can cause pancreatic cancer long-term, will get that eventually. Used to work with pesticides when I was 17-18, I will get a brain tumour from that one day. The bones in my legs are being wasted away slowly, like candy being sucked, I have no idea what's going on and I cant even sleep on my side anymore.. Etc... All of these things seem so real to me, I believe 100% that I have all of those things and it all just seems so hopeless. Literally, all I can do is hope that this is all in my head and hope that I will live to see another year. I've already been to the doctors many times, they all tell me that I am fine but they don't know that since I have not had a full-body check-up. Ever.

I have always been a very negative person anyway, I hate it but this whole hypochondria poop could very well be my nature and I hate that and I hate myself SO MUCH. As a kid I would complain and moan about everything, my family and even friends would tell me not to be so negative all the time. I've always seen the negatives in everything, its something I cannot help and I always have struggled to see the positives in anything.

So I cannot be myself, I cannot talk my heart out, I cannot say what I want to say because all I want to do is complain and talk about the dark side of things but that will bring everyone down. I think I am a psychic vampire, better keep quiet eh.
I know why I complain though, I am always scared, always frustrated, obsessed with death, I always feel so powerless and the only way I can counteract that is to vent out but that brings people down. To be honest, a part of me enjoys making other people sad. Again, I am a psychic vampire but I often refuse to be one.

Now the medication. The doctor said that I should take it before bed, did that but it kept me awake so I take my medication everyday at 4pm instead. When I first started taking them there were a few minor side effects mostly just a fever, so far it has made me think more clearly but I hope that it will ease the hypochondria because I think the hypochondria is what's causing the majority of the grief.
The moments of clarity has probably made me realise that I need to sort out the hypochondria, at the moment I do not know how but maybe I will learn that in due time.

Thanks for reading.