i guess i'm aware that the abuse isn't my fault. but i know that i caused a lot of drama in this relationship which led to all the arguments. like, one time my mom called the cops caused i called her and told her that he pushed and shook me. and then i feel stupid now cause my mom yelled at me in front of his family and told me how irresponsible i was for not always picking up the phone when she calls. if it weren't for my wrongdoings, neither of those evenrs would have happened. and i feel awful cause it inconveniences him and his family.

also, if i were better with my money and stayed at my own old apartment instead of always being at his place, that would have prevented a lot of arguments and the physical abuse. cause he mentioned to me many times that i could stay at my apartment to give him space for a night. but i could have given him more space.

now, i know i should leave the relationship cause i'm aware tha the abuse isn't going to stop. its just extremely difficult to cut ties because he was my first serious relationship, still my best friend, and currently my only friend.

also, i just don't know how to move on from the stuff that happened to me. it just feels confusing and kind of like no one really cares and i'm the only one still harping about it.