Rescue. It's been about rescue lately and especially the last couple of weeks.

Seeing T with the little boy patient, bringing him out to see him safely to Dad. The little boy himself. Dad waiting in the waiting room for him to return.

The wild, frantic, desparate wanting to "be the little girl you love", I said.that I had to call her and tell her that. HAD to. Even feeling embarrassed about it and knowing how crazy it sounded. I told her I didn't let anyone see me like that and I thought it was important; she said she agreed when she called back and again in session. In one of the calls to her that night I cried, "I NEED you. I need you now. Where are you?"

That night I was pacing with anxiety and I wished I still smoked. I didn't desire a cigarette, but I wished I still smoked.

That night I remembered two books I'd read many years ago about children in therapy, as I recalled, and HAD to find them somewhere. I don't have them so I was looking for them online. I couldn't find them and it further distressed me. I NEEDED them.

The next day struggling at work I thought that when I used to feel like this I'd drink and/or drug. It was a recognition that I was in a place I'd been in before. I didn't want to drink or drug though. I was choosing to be uncomfortable so I could get through it this time, with T.

In session I asked T why I didn't ever "get it". Why, after fantasizing for years about so many 'possible good mothers', I didn't get it--that it was never going to happen. Why didn't I 'get that' and stop it? I said too that I feel foolish for wanting it still. How ridiculous and stupid. I'm not a little girl and never will be again. It won't happen, yet I won't give it up. I refuse to "get it". Why?!!?!

Today I took a nap and upon waking, in that peaceful thinking state, I realized how much all this is about rescue.

Rescue then..Why couldn't they see my pain and rescue me?

Rescue now...Why can't T see my pain and rescue me?

Rescue all my life...From searching for things outside of me to make me feel whole. From denial of the truth..

That there is no rescue.