The answer is within yourself: re-read your initial post-the themes you brought here was that you were wasting your time and the urges were stupid and unproductive. And you are facing medical problems and lonliness. And you negate some of that in the same post by saying that you are accepting your life, being as happy as you can.
Your solution to the anxiety brought about by this conflict is this OCD cycle you get in:
Intense need to quell lonlieness > unproductive behavior (googling) > punishment
Which results in more anxiety.
Then that these urges are stupid and that the behaviors are 'bad' and 'crossing 'boundaries'. Then you admit that you know the thread will set you up for attacks. Sort of punishing yourself for the 'bad' behavior...keeping you in the OCD cycle and pattern.
Did you ever think of trying treatment for OCD? Your therapy might be worsening your problems.
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This is so stupid but I want to find out who T's bf is. I am used to looking for needles in haystacks. I have a first name and the fact that he's a T and lives in my city or nearby. I know something else besides the actor he looks like but I don't want to divulge that. Now it's a challenge to me but I know it's unproductive and wasting my time. If T told me I'd know and then I wouldn't have to find him. I don't think it's about the picture; it's about knowing who he is.
I know I'm crossing T's boundaries but I still want to find him. The first name isn't so common but I don't see any possibilities when I google. I found one but I think he's too young for T.
I realize this thread sets me up for all kinds of attacks. I hope maybe some understanding too.
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Originally Posted by rainbow8
I always liked the Smothers Brothers and remember that line! You're right. Maybe I didn't understand about not being born if I was 4 or even 5. I never thought of it that way. And maybe I did think they cared more about him at the time!
I know it doesn't seem to you that anything got better, but it did. My T agrees. I am accepting my life and being as happy as I can, and growing as a person.
If obsessing about my Ts is still my problem, then something is wrong. I agree. I wish I had the answer. Life just keeps getting more and more difficult for me. Im alone. I have new medical challenges. My life doesn't revolve around my Ts like it used to. You can disagree. It's your right. Yes, I know my T doesn't have to tell me. She and I are curious about my strong reactions. At the same time, in the real world I have art, music, friends and family. Maybe antidepressants would have helped but I couldn't tolerate the side effects. Thanks for your reply.
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