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Krimekitty · 03:10 PM

Hi there. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. It's my first time reaching out this way so I don't really know how this works. All I know is that I've been struggling with this for years and there's no one else to talk to.

Let me start from the top.

Three years ago my husband left me for a 21 yr old girl. She was one of his students and was 9 yrs younger than me. I've caught him having affairs before but that was the first time he left me. To make things worse, everyone in his office knew about the affair for months. He would brag about how in love he was with her and how he couldn't stop thinking about her. He would buy her expensive gifts and would make a show of giving them to her. It was devastating. I felt like everyone was laughin at me behind my back for being the stupid unwanted wife.

A couple of months after leaving me, he came back saying he realized he loved me afterall. It turned out the girl was with someone else and had no plans of breaking up with her boyfriend. I took him back thinking he had learned his lesson. Only to find out that he would spend the next six months constantly texting her, trying to win her back. Again I was crushed. I realized I was the backup plan so I left him.

A few more months later, he came back swearing he's done with her and all other girls. He made a sincere effort to change. He's been sweeter and tells me he loves me every chance he gets.

Things have been great since then. Unfortunately, I still can't move on. I would still relive those months leading up to him leaving me. I would get paranoid about everything. I would ask him for details of what he did with her or why she was better than me or is he really back or will he drop me again if she comes back. It pisses him off when I'm like this. He keeps telling me to just let it go. It's in the past. I wish I could. I wish I could just forget it even happened. I really want to be happy with jow things are now. But it haunts me.

Possible trigger:

Here's where it gets a little bit twisted and this is the reason why I can't talk about it with anyone. Ever since he cheated on me, I can't get aroused. It's embarrassing and maybe not a real problem. But it's been years and I still can't get the feeling back. We still have intercourse but it's mostly dry and uncomfortable for me. I even tried watching porn but it doesn't do anything for me. The only time that I do get turned on is if I daydream about my husband doing it with another woman.

I know it's messed up. And I don't know how to deal with it. I can't tell my husband. He already left me once. I don't want to give him another excuse.