Sucky, sucky day. Earlier, I wished I had a punching bag, because man, I could've pummeled the hell out of it. Big time. So, so frustrated. My existence. To the point of breaking. Took off. No clear plan. Got to end of block and just stood there in middle of street (no outlet, so though it must've looked weird, no serious danger) trying to weigh the options.

Decided to walk towards grocery store. Plunked myself down on landscape ledge, in parking lot, tucked from view, pulled out the notebook no one would want to read (outside of as a case study anyway) and just let rip stream of conciousness style. It was to decide if I could push through, I could keep from going in. (Before even getting there I'd already been strongly compelled to throw myself on front of traffic, so it was already a questionable start decision making from the get-go.) Then got really cold.

Ended up wandering store throwing random things in. Nothing beyond microwave as maximum prep requirements. And comfort foods. Schlepped home. Heavily sedated self while putting away, then stuffed some crap food in face.

Sedation hitting hard now. Going to bed (7 pm, ridiculous). F this day. FML.

See how tomorrow goes. Going into urgent care not off table yet, but knocked out will at least postpone it.

(Sorry so long and badly written. Mind's disorganised.)