For years now, I've been working (in therapy and on my own) to recover from cutting off my emotions as a child (ever since). There was something I just couldn't handle - how dangerous my dad seemed - so I had to cut that reality off.

I've been putting off grieving him for ages.. I've written something about it here, and talked about it to some people, but I've had to force myself to do so.

I've now realised that grieving him would actually mean failure to me, like I've let myself down.. I've thought I shouldn't care! Then it wouldn't hurt so much

And now I feel I'm weak if I admit that basically not having a dad hurt. It f'ing hurt me! It's true - I can't fight it anymore.. Whether it means I'm weak or not, it did hurt - like hell..!