Of course it hurts, and will hurt at times to come...I too was raised to shut down emotions, especially emotional pain, fear, uncertainty.... There is this idea that if we want/expect nothing then nothing will be too painful. But then, we cannot control what we want in the moment, or even what we 'expect'. You are strong to tolerate the conflicting, powerful feelings, to let them wash through you, ...
Weak is angry, screaming so as not to hear/feel/think.