I've dealt with the guys for now. It's okay.

Some time has passed and now I face some different issues.

I think my ASD/ADHD traits make my working style pretty odd.

First, there are my agoraphobic issues. The place is big and high and there are bright lights and I've got ortostatic hipotension so I just have to move constantly because otherwise I feel like I'm gonna faint. Fortunately it's possible here much of the time because doing my job requires constant movement. It's just when I stand in the meetings I can act in a weird way (last time I forgot myself and started walking in circles a bit and it looked stupid).

Then, my working style is odd. I can only do one thing at a time, like, talking and doing something is impossible for me (that's why I left my first job because it required multitasking). I cannot be interrupted, my behaviour is extremely stereotyped (for example, a boy approaches and he's dressed like most foreign workers are - in a different, particular colours - and I hear him talking in my language but my brain just seems to ignore that cause the dress code and I start talking to him in English and he's like "But I'm your nationality, haven't you heard me talking?").

So, after a while, when nothing is interrupting me, I start to hyperfocus. I do the job real fast and like a robot and people often say I look like in a trance or something (and I sometimes fear they will say I'm on drugs when I'm not) and they laugh at it. But it's okay, since, thanks to that, I'm a good worker, looking at the statistics. But it takes me long time to get into it (that's why I am always irregular with my job, for example one hour I do 50 items and the next one 270 and I go over the target).

But I sometimes wanna have a break and talk to someone and when I talk, oh boy, I talk. Whenever someone starts talking to me I just focus on them completely and forget about the job and if the conversation is exciting, I have a hard time going back to my work. And I am often very intense with people and if I find them interesting, the topics that concern them, well, I start to overthink them for the rest of the day and obsess about stuff and suddenly the job doesn't matter.

Actually, I should stop talking at all or be less open about it. Not so long ago I've been moved away from my co worker along with some people because probably we were interacting too much and someone from the management has seen it. I also have issues with not being able to regulate my voice tone. I speak too loud a lot and sometimes someone reminds me of that. I had to change my place which was bit different than my previous one, I kept asking why and didn't get an answer and I got really, really upset and couldn't focus. Getting used to this new place took me a while, there were some mistakes there going on with the IT system, then I made a mistake, then started worrying about why we were moved and did I do something wrong and for like two hours my cognitive skills were almost non existent and I started having a meltdown. And I did something really child like that makes me feel guilty because I just started bragging about someone from the lower management group like an idiot, a person who works nearby and he has heard it and then just kept looking at me like I'm crazy and I was like "Will I get fired?". It was a total chaos and I should act in a more mature way.

I'm okay when it comes to my work, how much of it I do, but these social situations will, like always, get me into trouble. And the fact that my brain is always concerned with the interesting, exciting stuff. For example, I meet an exciting person and then it's all I can think about for a while despite the fact I should be caring about the job only (even though the tasks are mundane). I need to set more boundaries with some people: even if they're fascinating to me, it's not enough for me to lose my job.

The other times, my anxiety just kicks in (like my intrusive thoughts about illnesses and going mad and doing something crazy etc) and it's sometimes just a one big mess.

The worst seems to be the awareness of how I come across other people and bad past experiences with my misbehaviour during the high school years (when high school started to be too much for me, I started to be the most troublesome student at the whole place and it was very embarassing). I don't know if coming to terms with how my mind works is actually better for me or if it sometimes just subconsciously becomes a reason for acting the wrong way sometimes. However, the pressure for me is huge, this whole "what can I do and what is too much and how do I find a balance". Throughout my life everyone was dealing with me having behavioural issues just by screaming and criticizing me and I have this great guilty, embarassing feeling in me about it and it makes everything worse. Sometimes people say I'm very mature as for my age (22) and responsible but I don't think so (like, I'm trying in general, most of my peers haven't kept a job for as long as I have, so I'm not that bad after all, but it's the small stuff that kills me) Maybe they thinks so, because, all in all, I'm the youngest person in the whole workplace or at least one of the youngest so they have a different perspective.