I am definitely not doing too well on the mental illness front, as an aftermath of all this drama trauma.
I tried to call my pdoc last week and she is out of the office til this week, was closed today. So I will call tomorrow. I have been spending literally HOURS for the last three nights looking at youtube videos of fortune tellers, just one after another after another. Looping negative thoughts, tears. I'm not on an antidepressant because every time I try to take it I am so overcome with nausea I just can't bring myself to take it a second day. (I've attempted it 3 times now). I hadn't been taking it for months because I didn't feel I needed it. I even tried taking dramamine, ginger capsules, tagamet, crackers and ginger ale. I called my pdoc last week and the message that was returned was to double the antidepressant...I tried one night and just...I can't. the only other solution is the antipsychotic, which I also have not taken in months because, I've been stable. Or at least I guess I thought I was? I'd been on the lamictal the whole time, so I haven't been completely med free. All the same, it looks like I may be headed for a free fall. Let's hope my pdoc can stop it in it's tracks. My nurse friend suggested I ask for zofran for the nausea....any time a med suggests it can cause GI effects...it does.

One of the things I think I discovered in my foray into fortune tellers is this...I cross referenced one in particular with my written journal and I THINK I can see evidence of him lying to me for MONTHS. I swear, I asked him point blank, up front, was he looking for a relationship or just casual hook ups. He flat out lied with his epic dating profile and 'wish to be in a relationship'. I don't really know how long this other girl was in the picture but it is apparent she has always been there. And here I was feeling bad for him over his '3 jobs' and working so hard he hardly had time to do anything. I just wish he'd been honest from the get go. If he really didn't like me I wish he'd have found someone else to be with.

Anyway. Whether or not he lied by commission or omission, me in my fertile imagination filled in the gaps of any information he gave me and made up some 'thing' between us that never existed. I think that I am being quite hard on myself for being so naive. and stupid. I'm a bright woman, I think, 'how could he have done this to me, how did I not see through it?" On the other hand...he's 43 he's had a LONG time to perfect his game and apparently he's pretty good at it. I am no longer on any dating sites, I won't go back to those again. It's a horrible place for a person who isn't entirely stable, or at least it is very destabilizing. I thought I was doing so well mentally. But any relook at my journals shows just how much of a roller coaster my thoughts have been for this entire time.
I do think there is something wrong with him, I thought it after the very first time I went out with him. I even wrote that I wasn't going to go out a second time. So why did I? I have no idea. I wrote so many times that I was done with him, that I was going to stop seeing him....and none of them materialized. I kept going back. and I don't even know why?

So. yes. back to therapy, back to the pdoc, time to get my clarity and stability back. I"m just so at a loss. I even began questioning whether or not I should even be living alone if my judgement is so bad? Like maybe I should be living in supervised housing! This from a woman who spent 24 years as an active duty military spouse who raised two kids and moved overseas twice...I managed all of that with out any crazyness, I was normal for so many years. I"m scared. and you know what's even worse out of it all???? Tonight I was crying and actually wanted to go back to my ex husband!!! I was like...I want to go home.

I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired of feeling so unstable. And so tired of being alone dealing with it all. I have no one to turn to in my real life except my doctors who were not available when I actually needed them over the holiday. Who knew? I certainly didn't.

The last time I had a break up, I was ok for about 3 weeks, I mean I was upset and cried off and on a few times...but it steadily got worse...and in the 4th week I ended up in the psych hospital inpatient because I wanted to hurt myself and I had the plans and the means and the time. My therapist made me go to the hospital. Even after 2 weeks IP, I was still not ok until after maybe 6 months. So yeah. I'm scared.

I'll keep you all updated.