krazibean, yeah I know that there is no rescue. that it's up to me.

fuzzy, thank you!

Thank you sunny.

While I have struggled with this issue of rescue before, prior to this T, I haven't been able to see that it was happening again until now. It takes me a while. I talked about rescue with her early on, around something a little different.

I tend to not understand what is going on until I'm way in the thick of it or sometimes not until it's over.

I think she's been waiting for me to get to this place of awareness where I am right now.

Though the realization can make me feel sad, it is also freeing. I'm freed up of the energy I was putting into thinking that it was about something besides rescue. Facing those things we fear (the fact that there is no rescue) is freeing. I feel like now I can talk about it because I can talk about it without fighting the reality of it.

This is why I love analysis and learning how the mind works. Unconsciously I've been looking for rescue but consciously it's been about other things, because I know there is no rescue. So there's been a struggle going on that's been difficult, but now that it's out in the open it will be easier to dissect and learn from.

There is a lot to learn. To be perceptive to what's going on, to learn my needs and feelings (I just have no words for them often). I'll get there.