((((((((((Stormyangels))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain and anguish you're experiencing right now. Death by itself is a hard enough thing to deal with, let alone when you see/hear about it turning out like this.
And maybe its a little bit late at night now ... but i'm sure you're T wouldn't have told you to call her if she didn't mean it. I often times find its hard to believe people when they say it, but i know that when i say it i mean it, and all you can do is accept that what they're saying is also true. If not, then its not your fault, it would be their's in saying it. But, i know that no matter if they mean it or not, its still hard calling them. Do you have any close friends or family that you could contact when you are feeling like this?
Reaching out is one of the hardest things, but its the most rewarding. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone in your thoughts is enough to help you get through a rough patch - even just a little bit.
Stay safe, and know that you have us here for support as well.
hugs,
Jacq