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Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
Mona, if you are not ready to leave the current T for good... have you considered or tried seeing others in parallel? Interview a few and see how you feel about them? Maybe some male T's included (you posted about having issues trusting women)? Even if they do not have special training in trauma, I think responsibility, consistency and reliability can also be a personality trait that's intrinsic in some people and they naturally work that way. Perhaps these people would also have a higher probability to be more secure about themselves and about the interpersonal world. Have a few appointments with some and see if you find a better fit that seems more attractive than your current T?
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I have though about this and I did try see one last year, she was crazier than a box of frogs but I really liked her. She was a long way away so we did two hour sessions every fortnight for a number of months and then she told me she was retiring. I didn't go back to see her and I decided to just stay with my t because she wouldn't be retiring for a long time yet.
I could try again, what have I got to lose . I have been working with male supervisors this year and have found them more compassionate and kinder than I had anticipated which was really surprising.
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
When my T was suddenly recommending hospitalization to me at early (I guess last, since it's 2017!) year, I was really upset with her. And she'd seem annoyed with me, which also upset me. The next session she said she recommended that because she wasn't sure if she was helping me enough (I'd been seeing her for 4 years) and thought maybe I needed a higher level of care than I could get from seeing her (and MC) once a week. She said she felt like she wasn't doing enough, so this was more about her than me. So it's possible this could be going on with your T, Mona.
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Yes, it would make sense that this is more about her than me. I have a habit of trying to change people and to fix things and so I always try to change myself or to fix the relationship but I can't fix t. Thank you for highlighting this for me Lonesome. That must have been very confusing and hurtful for you?
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Originally Posted by Elio
Mad... irritation... frustration...
Somewhere on PC, I read about a t becoming impatient about the rate of change and the OP said that they needed a t that was able to accept that the change would occur at the rate it did and not at the rate they wanted it. Is it possible that these therapists are actually frustrated at the situation because they have hit the wall in trying to help you and they don't know how to move forward. That the frustration or anger you are feeling is not actually at you per say but the situation and their own limitation.
Challenge question - is it her that has changed or you? I ask you because of how critical I have recently been towards my t and having to realize that she actually hasn't changed, that it is me that has changed. She is the same willing and concerned t she's always been that doesn't always get or connect with what I am saying. She still cares for me and wants to help me.
Because of this, personally, I think you've gone as far as you can with this t and at least a break is in order. I don't see how you can feel safe and vulnerable with her based on this statement and several others. You have asked her to change, you have tried to work with her on what is and is not working and she is incapable at this time to make those alterations in her behaviors.
What would you tell someone that was telling you this story? How would you support them? Be kind to yourself, Mona. It's ok to look for what you feel you need, it's ok that a relationship ends and a new one begins (<-- not something I'm good at and it is so much easier said than done).
I see yourself holding you within the palms of your hands, providing yourself with the comforts and care you share with and give to other people.
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This is so true Elio, I often forget that it's ok for a relationship to end and a new one to begin. I always thought there was something very wrong with me because when I even think of a relationship ending or never seeing somebody again I burst into tears, even now they are falling. This is my very core problem, how I will stay in a relationship no matter what it brings to me. My even said I have a very tolerance for abuse because I have been in so many abusive relationships.
I was thinking about my next session with t next week and I am stuck because everything I say she will criticise and tell me I am whining, how can I feel comfortable just breathing around her. I believe this is her issue. She makes me feel like a little girl who needs to be scolded.
I think I mentioned that my t pushed me too far and doesn't go at my pace or follow my lead. I have been stuck in an impasse now for over five years and it frustrates her so much to not see me making progress. She wants me to move out and to change a lot of things that I need her support with, not her scolding and judging. If somebody came to me in this situation I would just stay with them where they are at and support them in that hard place. Not try to kick them up the backside or to the curb. I would really try to understand how it is for them and how frustrating it must be for them to be so stuck. When they were ready we could look at what they needed in order to get unstuck. I my t to just let me be and to support me without trying to change me. I will only change when I feel ready to.
Thank you for your thoughtful post Elio