I am sort of going through the same thing. I just got home from seeing my t and yet again told her I'm just tired of this roller coaster ride. She asked me if I was feeling suicidal and I said no, which for the moment at least is true. Ever since I got out of the hospital at the beginning of December I have had a daily struggle with trying to not go down that path again. There are days when I do want it to end, but then I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't have to be this way, as hard as it seems at times. Sending hugs your way.