Home and caught up on the couch. Stayed after I clocked out and shopped a little, I had rewards bucks and coupons to use. Bought some vitamins. Though now I am not so sure that was a wise decision with my other meds. Vitamin C I assume is okay and Calcium. But I haven't been sleeping well lately, so I also bought melatonin. That one I am wondering about now. I may not take it right away until, I can ask my pdoc or pharm manager if it would interact with my psych meds. I don't want to put myself into a coma or something. I may email pdoc after I am done here to ask...I'm not sure I want to remind pharm manager what meds I take (even though he has seen them come across his station to be verified after a fellow tech filled them). We have a floater pharmacist tomorrow night when I go in, so I don't feel comfortable asking whoever that is. We also have a new staff pharmacist who will be in on Thursday that I am not comfortable with yet. Pharm manager will not be back in until Friday. Even more reason to email pdoc. Though I do have former staff pharms cell number and could text her tomorrow. She is younger (my brothers age) than most pharmacists and I feel comfortable with her. When I was first put on the anxiety medication I asked her about it (she was still in our store then) and she didn't think much of it. I dunno.

It is almost midnight and I can't sleep...not even tired. Too much running through my mind. WOrk tonight kept the issues out of my mind, but they are back now in full force...I just need to stay busy. I have C tomorrow morning, but that is not high brainpower work, so I may be festering in my thoughts still and when I go back to school and am locked in the closet alone all day my thoughts can really fester. At least CVS keeps my mind active and off thoughts that I would rather not have even if I do have anxiety attacks there sometimes. The stress of my life. I wish I could just be normal...then again is there really a normal? My family is so dysfunctional, I don't know if it is possible to be normal. I'm bound to be an outcast for my entire life.

I wish I could just be a productive member of society. But, I am destined to be brushed aside, locked in small rooms, and let my mind get the best of me. I wish I could just fly away from all my problems like a bird flies away from danger. I wish I had an appointment with T before the 18th... Not that she is the best at this stuff. Old T was much better about helping my through tough things. She held my hand the whole way. In reality she probably let me rely on her too much and know I am with someone who wants me to take some ownership. But, I feel like a small helpless child and just want someone to pick me up and nurture me. I want that mother eagle to protect me. I want wings spread over me and shield me from danger and harm. I have no one to turn to for guidance. I am the lone soldier that has been left to fend for himself. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I want to have some sense of stabilization in my life. My landlord has told me she is worried about me because I work all the time and never rest. How can I explain to her that work is the only thing that keeps me going. If I were home more I would sink deeper into my dark thoughts and end up in a bad place. I want to get my own place again, but then I would be alone all the time. At least renting a room, I am able to interact with people a little even if we do all kind of keep to ourselves. I have no friends to interact with, so I am just me. I am afraid to form relationships with people...everyone in the past has always used me or hurt me. What makes people I meet now any different? I am destined to die an old lonely woman, no one will be there for my funeral...just like Eleanor Rigby. No one will miss me and I will just be another soul gone out of this world. Say I live till 80-something...that means I still have 50+ years to be a hermit and hide behind my pain. My mind is just festering with all these thoughts. I wish they would go away. I need to learn coping strategies...no medication in the world is going to solve all my issues. And I don't like taking medication so many people see it as a bad thing even though it has helped me with some of my issues.

I am alone in this world and have no one to look after me except me, myself, and I.

Well, I think I have brought the couch down enough. It's now almost 12:30 in the morning and I still am wide awake and don't feel like sleeping. Maybe it is time to email pdoc. He wouldn't get it until tomorrow morning and may or may not respond to it, but it may help to let someone who knows me in real life to get a sense of what I am going through.