Hi, I'm a new member here and I would like to share an issue that is troubling me. As a background, I'm a social phobic person, but I have improved in this. I'm now 38, and I'm single.
Anyway, I'm a mature student, doing a degree, and about a year ago I met woman on the same course as me, and we started meeting regularly and studying together. She is 35 and married, however I've rather foolishly fallen for her. I don't intend on making a move, or telling her how I feel because I know that isn't right, so I'm left in an unrequited love scenario.
I struggle being myself with many people, but with her, it's just so easy for me to be connect. She is very open, empathic, fun and likeable, and I'm extremely attracted to her. She is also somewhat naive and perhaps even gullible, which is part of her charm, but I think it makes her easily taken advantage of.
Well, we became good friends, and in the summer she found out that her husband had been having an affair for the past 2.5 years, and she told me. He arranged for the other woman to live in their house as an au-pair for them and look after their 2 year old. So his plan was to have an affair in the same house as his wife and child. She found out, but the other woman moved in anyway, and stayed for six weeks. Insane situation and it left her utterly distraught. Clearly, she was crushed, but she has never had any other outlook than to stick with him and work through everything. He also lied about most of life. He claimed to be a model, which has turned out to be untrue. Trips away were spent with the other woman. He was however secretly working as a male escort, which some may consider worse than the cheating. I know he has done other things that even worse that I've not been told about, but are apparently "twice as bad" as all the stuff I've said.
Now, for the past few months, she's been very depressed, trying to deal with what has happened. She would have dropped out of the degree for sure, but I've been dragging her through it and teaching her everything myself.
I've took the approach not telling her what to do, but saying she has to make her own decisions, and what she wants is to stay with him. She obviously thinks he is an amazing, wonderful guy, but I don't know how all that can fit with what he has done. To meet him, he seems like the most friendly, caring, nice sensitive guy. To me, that must be an act and he has some personality disorder, but I feel like I'm the only one who sees it. Or, am I wrong? Could this guy actually be great, but he's just made some (extremely callous) mistakes, and really he's a misunderstood soul who is ready to change?
I don't know, but it cuts me up to see them together. I hate to see her fawning over him. To my mind, he'll doing something else just as bad in the future, and who knows what else he has done anyway. Obviously I have feelings for her, so my judgement on him is bias, however everything I've said is fair and accurate. I'm just not sure what to do about it. Not sure how to act around him. I know I want her in my life, but its painful for me to see her hurt and also to have unrequited feelings.
That's my story. I've tried to be as objective as possible about it, and in reality it's probably worse that it sounds. Anyway I'd be very interested to hear anything at all about what you think. Thanks for reading.