Hi Rainbow. I struggle with the very same issue and like you, I don't really know from where it originates. It's a behavior/pattern of which I have memories as far back as the age of 5. In recent years, after finally admitting to myself that I engage in this "obsessive" behavior and that it affects my day to day functioning, I have often asked myself, why? What purpose does this serve, only to create more pain? Well, this is what I came up with and maybe it might help you too???

1. It's a habit. As I said, this is a behavior that goes back many years and is all too familiar. I wonder if I actually find comfort in the distress, self-torture and self-punishment that obsessive googling creates and that is actually one of the motivations that keeps me doing it, just because it feels familiar?

2. It's a distraction and an escape. I can unintentionally waste hours obsessing, googling, thinking, fantasizing. I think it turns my attention away from my own problems so to that end, it's a kind of escape.

3. It's a reaction. If something has triggered me to feel sad, alone, anxious, hopeless etc., sure enough my attention turns to obsessing. Perhaps again, this is an example of it being an escape or distraction but I think it also provides me with comfort and reassurance, not only as described in no. 1. but because it's a way of feeling closer to T (or whoever I'm obsessing about).

So actually there are more than 3 reasons there: It's about seeking comfort, reassurance, distractions and escape from unpleasant feelings while at the same time, creating another issue over which beat myself up.

On a deeper level though, as you've pointed out it is also about boundaries...argh there's too much to say on this...that will have to be my next installment on this thread when I have time to come back and write more.

I hope some of what I have said is helpful to you. I'm sorry you're going through this too.