Holidays, or lack there of, doesn't change how I feel. I don't get more depressed over the holidays, I don't become happier. I don't change based off date nor obligations. I just change at random.

Yet, I don't change. I'm stuck in this psychological nightmare that leaves me and everyone around me hurt and screwed up. There is something wrong with me and I know that. There's something inside my head so insidious that it won't break my chains that bind me to it's torment. Do I need at least partial hospitalization? Probably. Will I ever get it? Doubt it.

See, I doubt everything. I doubt the love people say they have for me. I doubt my capacity to handle situations. I doubt my sanity. I doubt my capability to "get better". I doubt my own mind. This constant state of doubt is the "iron dome" of all that attempt to attack this insidious assailant.