Sorry you are still hurting so much. All of your self reflection and the fact that you know you still need treatment means there is hope. You doubt your sanity yet your writing shows so much understanding. When you get your finances in regards to your medical needs fixed, you can continue your recovery. (The cost of medical care is a real challenge for many of us including me.) I hope that you don't have to go without for to long. It is going to take time but you can improve. And I am one of those people who thinks that we can get a lot of our care through outpatient appointments and programs. As far as your resolve goes--don't beat yourself up--just keep trying....